Nora's Headstone

I've been meaning to post a pic of Nora's headstone for a little while now. Her gravesite is next to her great grandpa Cooper here in Idaho, close to lots of family. It's a peaceful little place and we've seen some really pretty sunsets there.

Thank Goodness for the Sun

I just need to post how thankful I am for seasons of joy that also come in our life even when there are definitely seasons of sadness that come to all of us.  I have been doing so good lately and feel so much joy lately.  Although I still have my moments that are rough, I am so thankful to be Nora's mother.  I feel so much peace in the way everything happened.  I'm just thankful that life continues to move forward and that healing comes with time.

I am feeling so much right now and it is so difficult to understand.  I feel so alone.  I think this is a harder time for me than any of it has been to this point.  Obviously it was difficult during moments such as signing papers to allow them to induce me to go into labor or  sitting in the hospital bed in pain right after losing her and hearing a new baby crying in the next room, but this time is so hard because it is incredibly lonely.  Not even my own husband can really understand what I feel.  It is so real.  She is gone.  She is not here.  She is never going to be here.  It is harder now to exercise faith than it has ever been. Easy to say what we believe in dealing with infants who die-  more difficult to live with faith in those things.  For me it is no longer a nice concept- it is my life.  

I really am trying so hard to move forward and to not dwell on things.  Everyone else is way over it.  Basically they were way over it long ago. I'm trying, believe me I don't enjoy feeling sad.

Mother’s Day was probably the only day in my entire life that I would say I completely hated- I never want to see mother’s day 2009 again. It was a day that solidified to me that I am on my own right now in a lot of ways with these emotions.  To no one but myself was I a mother.  I prayed with all of my heart that I could feel that Nora knew that I was a mother, her mother.  I didn’t want anything,  I just wanted validated that I am a mother and that today was my day too.  But since I buried my child in the ground, I am not recognized as a mother.

A lot of people will tell me that it doesn't matter, it's just "one of those things that happen" and that I will have a ton of kids if I want, so it doesn't matter and that I just need to have another baby.  Yes, I hope too that I will be able to have as many children as I want.  But right now I feel so much heavy sadness from losing Nora.  I don't want another baby right now.  I just got done being pregnant and extremely sick.  I don't really feel like 10 additional months of that right now.  The doctor also has to do blood tests on both my husband and I before I can get pregnant again to see if there is something in our chromosomes that does not match up for some reason or another.  The worst thing would be for us to allow history to repeat itself.  The other thing that is difficult for me is that if I had a baby right now I would only want a girl and I would only want to name her Nora.  I do not want a replacement baby. That's not going to help me, plus I don't think a little boy running around with the name Nora would be treated very good by the other kids....

These pics were taken at Drew's sister Sarah's wedding in December.

All 3 sister in laws were pregnant together...

Shawni was due in March

Amy was due in April 

I was due in June

I cried again...

I cried again....

What's new? I'm always crying. I keep feeling like I want this all to be done.  Yesterday I wanted to get on my knees and tell Heavenly Father that I have been tried enough.  It's really tested me and it's been hard... but that now I want her back.  I'm just so sick of feeling sad about it.  I am ready to be happy and to move on from this.  It's just such a heavy hurt and it's one that I can't fix.  Every day I wake up and it's still broken. I still miss her.